There is no way to give words to the emotions that ran through my heart and soul the morning of Sunday, July 2, 2006. The entry for the day in my small journal, which I kept wrapped in plastic with my Bible in my backpack, simply read, “Dear God…I’m scared!” I had volunteered to be a female chaperone on a high school youth trek in Salida, Colorado this particular summer with our youth group. This was not my first backpacking trip. I reminisced about my favorite trip with my husband, Lanny, through the Cascade Mountains of Washington state for a week and knew this had potential of being just as memorable. And, even though I had diligently prepared myself physically, nothing could have prepared me for the lessons I’d learn on this mountain.
“I feel like I should have never come. God, why didn’t you stop me?! Why didn’t you tell me not to go? Was I just not listening? And, is that what this is all about? Listening? Dear God, I know I’m out here for a reason. I don’t know what it is right now, but I am yours whatever happens. God, I give it up to you; all of me. I am ready for what you want me to be.”
~Monday, July 3, 2006 morning before hike to high camp, day 2
Well, the hike to high camp would have many, many life lessons along the way, but listening proved to be the reoccurring theme the whole week. Specifically, when it seems like all strength is gone and nothing is left, whose voice do I hear…mine or God’s?
Before this trek the answer to that question was easy and quick, “I listen to God.” I’d given him my life years ago and we had definitely gone through some tough times together. But, this time I felt like Peter in John 21:15-17 when Jesus asked him three times if he loved him. You can almost hear the emphatic heart wrenching pain in Peter’s voice the third time of his confession, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” And, God asks each one of us that same question at some point in our life. Sometimes it comes in a slightly different package. Mine came in the form of trust. He was not only asking me, “do you love me?” but, “do you trust me?” Again, I must say my answer was very cavalier and quick with, “Yes, God…I trust you. I’m here like you asked me to be, right?”
“Okay, God…let’s talk about my pride. I really don’t even know where to start! It has truly affected my life. When I went down from the weight of my pack, I saw Christ go down with his cross as he walked the road to his crucifixion. (Mark 15:21 and Matthew 27:32) Someone helped him carry his cross. Why? He is the Son of God. Why did that even happen? I don’t fully understand, really. He could have done it, right?”
Do you find it hard to profess your trust in God when lying face down in the dirt? Well, I must say I do sometimes. I believed with every ounce of my being, while at base camp, that God put me on trek intentionally. Yet, when the hours seemed endless, my feet heavy as lead, the backpack feeling like 300 pounds, the rocks like a sea of shifting water balloons, and my head and stomach swimming with nausea, the confident assurance of his plan was soon reduced to, “what could I possibly have been thinking!?!” And, in one fateful step, I lost my footing and found myself looking at dirt, on my hands and knees, indeed begging for God to come.
Growing up my mother jokingly used to tell everyone my first words were, “I can do it myself!” I had always taken pride in the statement. “Stand tall. Be brave. This will make you strong!” I thought. So why did I feel so weak? Why didn’t I feel God close? And, even though our whole group successfully arrived at high camp, I couldn’t help but feel defeated and full of doubt. We still had the summit to hike.
“Dear God, what does your face look like? Why do you care about my life? Why do you keep pursuing me? You could have given up on me years ago. I am glad you didn’t. I would have never learned the things I’ve learned about you and your creation. I would have never known your love.
There is nothing out of place! It’s so amazing. The fish are flipping around; the birds are singing each their own song. I can hear the wind in the trees and the water rolling over rocks…and all of this you did. It all works together so well. You did so good!
Those fish swim around in the pool you created knowing full well…you are God. The trees grow straight and branch out knowing full well…you are God. The mountains rise up, the waters flow, the sky holds the clouds you placed there…all knowing you are God! Creation depends on you without question.”
Tuesday, July 4, 2006—day 3, morning solo time
The area was absolutely beautiful and peaceful. I loved the sun’s warmth while sitting in the middle of my chosen “solo time” grassy area surrounded by huge mountain peaks. The struggle of the day before began to melt away as I sat marveling at how detailed everything around me looked. I couldn’t help but continually say, “My God is big. He is SO big!” And soon all I could think about was the present moment and thank God for getting me there. But, it was in the quietness when I heard God ask me again, “Do you trust me?”
“These flowers are amazing! The little bloom is so tiny…about the size of a pinhead, but hundreds of them clustered together make what appears to be one larger flower. Each petal is so incredibly detailed. And, I’m sitting in the middle of thousands upon thousands of these flowers! How do you do what you do? I sit here in front of this massive mountain you created and yet you took the time to craft each tiny, single petal on each bloom.”
~Tuesday, July 4, 2006 –morning solo time,
I am truly humbled. My God took the time to make each flower, each petal, each leaf, on each stem. And, that same God created the universe. So, why not trust him? Why is it so hard to trust Him when I’m on my hands and knees looking at dirt? Why can’t I trust Him to be my strength and move me where He wants me to be? It wasn’t until that moment I realized how much I walk through life hanging on to my own strength. If God can devote time to craft each of these thousands of petals, then His words must be true when he says he loves me. And, yes, God definitely loves us where we are and meets us right where we are. He does not expect perfection… He expects surrender.
I was reminded of Matthew 6:25-30 in those quite moments. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?...And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” And, later in Matthew 10:29-31 it says, “Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows.”
Our faith walk with the Father is such an incredible journey. The path can get quite difficult just like it did on our trek. And, sometimes it may feel like another step is impossible. But, be assured of one thing, God is never but a breath away. His eyes watch closely (Proverbs 15:3) and his heart beats lovingly for you (I John 4:10).
Well, we made our summit the next day, Wednesday, July 5 on day 4. That story in itself is incredible! I’ll share that one another time. But, know this…I, alone, did not make the summit. WE made the summit. And, we did it with the power and strength of our Father God Almighty!
James 4:10, “When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, he will lift you up and give you honor.”
